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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The eye behind the stall is watching (so wash your hands!)

Bismillah ar-Rahmaan ar-Raheem,













So I continued writing for "Going up North: Muslim Road Trip" and I'm at about 30 pages into it so far. I write totally out of order so I plan to correct it all at the end.

In the script below, whenever it says "voiceover starts", it means that the brother is narrating the story and the viewer and the viwerer is seeing the actual event occurring (like a dramatization). Anyways, this is pretty much the stuff I wrote during break/lunch/free time today. By the way, since it’s the first draft, I just type…..it not finalized or anything...its just fast typing (whatever comes into my head type of thing) so please ignore the obvious mistakes (grammar, spelling, etc..)


HAMZA
Ok I got a good question for you
guys. Where is the weirdest place
you ever had to pray?

SHAREEF
Hmm...I don't know.

MUSA
I once prayed in an elevator

YUSEF
Elevator?

MUSA
(voiceover starts) Yeah, we were at
the movies and I was about to miss
Magrib.

YUSEF
So you prayed in an elevator?

SHAREEF
That's classic. How did you avoid
people from entering it

MUSA
(voiceover continues)I didn't. I
figured who uses the elevator in a
two story movie theater. It only 2
floors and they have both escalators and stairs.
Anyways, it was all good until I was
in the final rakat and the elevator
started moving

HAMZA
Hahaha. What happened?

MUSA
By the time, the doors opened, I
was on my last rakat, just finsihed
making my 2nd sajood and I was in
the Tahiyat part so I was still
sitting on the floor.

HAMZA
What did the people say that were
entering the elevator?

MUSA
Nothing, I think they probably
thought I feel down or something.

SHAREEF
That would be funny if another
brother was in the same situation
and joined you.

MUSA
Hahaha (smiling).

YUSEF
The only place that I pray and no
one looks at me strange is the gym.

MUSA
What so special about the gym?

YUSEF
Half the people in there have no
idea what they're doing anyways.
Its like people make up exercises
just to blend but they only bring
attention to themselves. I guess
after a while people get immune to
people doing strange things there
So I guess when I'm praying,
they're probably thinking that I'm
stretching or doing an unique
exercise.

SHAREEF
Hey Hamza, where are you funny
stories?

HAMZA
My stories are just plain news.
Its like I'm the back of the paper
"this-happened-today" section and
you guys are the funnies

SHAREEF
C'mon...so you have no funny
stories?

MUSA
He does! Hazma works in the
corporate world. He has lots of
funny stories. Tell him about the
bathroom handshake story Hamza.

HAMZA
(smiling)

YUSEF
You shake people's hand in the
bathroom?

HAMZA
Haha..no. Actually, its the
opposite. (voiceover starts) You
know how many people have like no
concept of cleanliness. When I'm
in the bathroom, I sometimes make a
mental note of doesn't wash their
hands so I could avoid shaking
hands with them later.

SHAREEF
Hahaha...Are you serious? What do
you do? watch them when from the
bathroom stall?

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) Yep! When I
go to the bathroom, I take my sweet
time. Public bathrooms are so
funny. The same Mr. Corporate John
Smith who is oh so professional in
meetings is making funny bodily
noises in the bathroom and I'm just
cracking up like a little kid in
there. It's so funny.

MUSA
That's nasty.

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) Personally, I
wait until everyones out of the
bathroom before I handle my
business...so I guess that's why
I'm in there for such a long time.
But staying in there has allowed me
see the stuff that happens behind
the scenes. I watch people pee in
the next cubicle next to me and
they just walk out.

YUSEF
Cubicle

HAMZA
I don't know what they are called.

YUSEF
They're called stalls. Cubicle.
Your too funny.

HAMZA
Whatever. (voiceover continues)
Anyways, I play the investigator
role when I'm sitting there, I pay
close attention to who washes their
hands and who doesn't. Some people
just turn on the water for like a
second...just enough so they can
wet their hands. I don't know who
they think they're fooling. They
think no one is watching...but I'm
watching!

SHAREEF
You're crazy bro! (laughing)

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) A few
actually use soap. But then of
course there are the najisees

SHAREEF
Najisees?

HAMZA
Yeah that's what I call them cuz
the leave the najis on themselves.
They just pee and walk out. But if
you are washing your hands, they
feel obliged to wash their hands
too. Makes you wonder, what
happens when you're not there. And
let me tell you, there are many
najisees. Many.

YUSEF
Dude, I would be freaked out if I
was washing my hands and I saw an
eyeball from the crack of the stall
looking at me.

HAMZA
My co-workers look at me when I'm
in the bathroom making withu.

MUSA
That's because you get the entire
place wet when you make withu

HAMZA
Heheehe..I get a lot of looks in
the bathroom.

MUSA
I sense another story coming
around. I told you he had em'!

HAMZA
(voiceover starts) Sometimes when
people are peeing, they start
conversations with me. You guys
know about that Hadith that the
Prophet (saw) didn't respond to the
person who was talking to him when
he was releiving himself.

YUSEF
Yeah...but they don't know that.

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) Yeah I know
but I still can't talk to them.
Anyways, for some reason people
have this urgency to talk to me
when their peeing and I'm washing
my hands.

YUSEF
So what do you do?

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) I don't say
anything. Just nod my head but when
they ask me questions and I just
stand there, its hard to sell the
idea that you can't hear them
especially since you are like 3
feet away from them. I often have
to make withu so that's what I do.
I do extra rinses of the mouth so I
can stall until their peeing is
done.

SHAREEF
What do your co-workers say when
they see you making withu?

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) At first its
ok but as I go through the process,
I start to get more and more
attention. When I'm just washing
my hands, everything is cool. It
looks normal. I don't really get
any attention there. But once I
start washing my face...I think
people start thinking I'm having an
emotional day. Then when I'm start
washing my arms to my elbows, they
figure I probably was doing like
labor intensive work or something.
Once I start wetting my hair and
ears, then they start really
looking at me. Maybe they think I
don't have a shower at home. But
the funniest part is when I take
off my socks and shoes. Now then
their eyes widen and their eyebrows
go up. Washing my feet in the same
sink that they are waiting to wash
their hands is just too funny.
hahaha...their expressions are
priceless.

SHAREEF
Hahaha..ok..back to the bathroom
handshake thing. You said you make
a mental note of who not to shake
hands with. Right? So what do you
do when these people walk up to in
the office and try to shake your
hands

HAMZA
(voiceover) I have a few
strategies. Usually, I try to have
something in my "shaking hand" and
if I give myself enough distance I
use the old "hey, what's up nod" or
"hello! + smile wave". But if
there are too close, then there is
always the "how's-it-going-pat-on
the-shoulder greeting" followed by
a thumbs up. Sometimes, I may do a
combo and throw in a "what's
happening" head nod just to mix
things up.

YUSEF
What if they are about to extend
their hand for the shake?

HAMZA
(voiceover) Ahh...this involves
careful timing. Right before they
extend their hand, I cough and
cover my mouth using my shaking
hand. That's when they usually
back off.

YUSEF
And if all else fails?

HAMZA
(voiceover continues) If all else
fails, you go in for "the hug" but
you only use it as the last resort.

YUSEF
That's probably the last time they
will try to shake hands with you.

HAMZA
Hahaha...yeah.

SHAREEF
And I thought this guy didn't have
any stories.

HAMZA
I know we often say marriage is 1/2
our deen but there is also a Hadith
about cleanliness being 1/2 our
deen, which emphasizes the
important of staying clean.

MUSA
That's so true. You're right.

HAMZA
Alhamdulillah. Its a blessing that
Allah (swt) chose us to be Muslims.
Just look at the four of us. I
know you guys were all born Muslims
but for someone who never knew what
Islam was, finding it was like
finding a diamond. It changed my
whole life.

SHAREEF
And you know what else. All four
of us are from different parts of
the world, we have different views
about almost every subject but at
the end of the day, we are all
brothers. I mean, we speak
different languages, come from
different backgrounds and cultures,
but we are still tight with one
another.

YUSEF
Alhamdulillah

SHAREEF
Yeah. Alhamdulillah. I love you
guys

YUSEF
Don't tell me you are going to
cry...hehe

SHAREEF
Ah..no. But seriously, if the
entire Ummah would learn to live
with one another, our situation
would be different.

HAMZA
I think its more than that. There
is no unity and without unity, we
are divided. People fight and
divide on stupid stuff. Even the
Sahabas didn't agree on everything.
They had different opinions.
Today, we fight over some really
stupid stuff.

MUSA
SubhanAllah

HAMZA
I mean some people are really hard
to talk to. When two brothers have
a different view on something,
discussions end up to arguments.
People are too busy talking instead
of listening to what the other
person is trying to say.

MUSA
Do you know what's worse?

HAMZA
Huh?

MUSA
When the person daleel is something
that he heard from someone else,
who may or may not have knowledge,
and that person is arguing it as if
its 100%..its thier daleel. Then
if you don't agree with their first
daleel, then second daleel is
usually "emotions" or "yelling".
And if both sides decide to
continue, sometimes the third
daleel is fighting.

HAMZA
Its nonsense

YUSEF
Its a joke. People who aren't
qualified think they are qualified.

SHAREEF
That's why were in the situation we
are today bro.
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4 Comments:

At March 14, 2006 1:23 AM, Anonymous Azhar Ul Haq said...

mashallah, very nice, and realy I feel our ummah is realy need this type of conversation and thinking. Allah bless you all . ..

 
At July 31, 2006 6:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

alhamdulilah - this was a nice piece to read :)

 
At August 12, 2006 4:47 PM, Anonymous Nabeela said...

Mashallah, brother! For someone who is not a comedian you really have some interesting thoughts going on in your haed....by interesting I mean extremley funny!Keep up the amazing work. ^_^
Jazakallah khair

 
At May 05, 2007 6:13 PM, Anonymous intrigued said...

:) Alhamdulilah that was reall sweet

 

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